You read it right here on these pages folks: Stress can kill you. If you’re continuously stressed, it will eventually alter your hormones and cause your body to produce too much of the hormone cortisol, also known as the Death Hormone. Some doctors believe cortisol plays a significant role in messing up your immune system, reducing memory, making you fatter, increasing your wrinkles, and damaging your heart. It’s time to do something now!
But if the idea of changing your diet, exercise, and behavior are simply, well, too stressful, never fear. We’ve scoured the globe to find the 15 most outrageous stress-relieving gadgets that just may save your life.
Spit-Powered Stress Detector
How do you know if you’re stressed, to begin with? If the chain-smoking, acid-reflux, and constipation don’t give it away, perhaps you need the Spit-Powered Stress Detector. Yet another amazing breakthrough in Japanese technology, the “Nipro Cocoro Meter” measures the amount of amylase (a stress enzyme) in your saliva. Simply slobber on the tester and shove it into the device (like a pregnancy test, only further north). After a minute or two, the meter will display a numerical level, along with a cute stick figure if you’re too wound up to read numbers.
The Cocoro Meter sells for 19,800 yen (the US $164) and weighs only a quarter of a pound.
Wave Pocket Stress Reliever
If the thought of spitting stresses you out, you might consider the emWave Pocket Stress Reliever for your diagnosis. Simply place your thumb on the sensor, and the 2-ounce device displays your level of “coherence” – in other words, how efficient and “in sync” your body systems are – by measuring the subtle changes in your heart rhythms. The “Quick Coherence Technique” teaches you how to improve your coherence by breathing deeply and thinking positively. Oh my gosh! What a breakthrough! Why I would not have thought of that.
Price tag: $200.00
Stress Chest Boobs
Of course, this is something else I never would have thought of. Because I’m a chick. But what couldn’t be more relaxing after a hard day’s work than giving a pair of Stress Chest Boobs a good old squeeze? They only come in one size, but heck, anything more than a handful is a waste, right? (Or was that mouthful?)
Price tag: $10.00
And ladies if you’re stressed out from watching your lazy husband sit around all day squeezing those dang chest boobs, you might want to buy yourself the Husband Choker. Press the button and the husband will make a typical man comment. “About time you got home. I’m starving!” or “I’m going out to play 26 holes of golf!” Squeeze his neck with all your might, and after his eyes bulge, his cheeks redden and his tongue sticks out, he’ll adjust his comment to something you’d rather hear such as, “I mean, you go shopping… here’s my wallet. Have fun darling!”
Price tag: $28.00
Desktop Stress Rocket
I generally would rather NOT hear annoying comments from that new guy who started in sales, but pounding on the desk never seems dramatic enough. The Desktop Stress Rocket may be just the ticket for instant relief. Simply bang on the launch pad of the desktop rocket and watch it soar high over the wall of your cubicle. With any luck, it will poke out the eye of someone who’s driving you nuts.
Price tag: $12.50
Rapid Antigen Test Kits
These are small COVID testing kits, that can test COVID in a few minutes rapid antigen test kits are very handy and you can use them at home.
Motorized Head Wizard
If you suffer from tension headaches, you deserve a visit from the Motorized Head Wizard. Now you don’t have to wait for trips to the hairstylist’s shampoo girl to get a decent scalp massage. The Head Wizard is always at your command (and doesn’t require a tip). The 100% copper wire legs of the Head Wizard gently vibrate and massage 14 acupressure points on your scalp to produce tingly euphoria. And if all that weren’t enough, the Wizard’s jaunty cap lights up!
Price tag: $15.89
The Boyfriend Pillow
After a rough day, who couldn’t use a big hug from their sweetie? No boyfriend at the moment? No problem. The Boyfriend Pillow has a cuddly arm and cozy shoulder to cry on. Plus this one even has a motion device that makes the pillow “soothingly vibrate.” Hmm! Are you supposed to hug it or…?
Price tag: $8.97
Condom Stress Relievers
If you don’t have a boyfriend, and you don’t have much money either, you can make your own stress reliever with a condom. All you have to do is fill any (unused!) condom with ordinary all-purpose flour. Unroll the condom, and using a small spoon, fill it with flour. Shake or twirl the condom to get the flour to settle so you can fill it fully. When it’s nice and firm, tie off the open end (like a balloon) and you’ll have a fun squeezy novelty. Here’s the instructional video if you don’t believe me.
But perhaps you’re looking for something a bit more high-tech. Can’t afford to take your body on vacation? Send your brain to the spa instead. Slip-on the glasses plug in the earpieces and the MindSpa delivers specifically tuned frequencies of light and sound to shift your mind into either a deeply relaxed state (alpha (although I always thought Hawaii was a deeply relaxed state)) or a state of cognitive stimulation and focus. The sound and light programs are supposed to improve sleep patterns, enhance creativity, and combat jetlag.
Price tag: $279.90
Stress Relieving Wrist Band
Of course, you’ll look a bit obvious wearing those crazy glasses. So if you need to keep your stress release on the down-low, you might consider the Stress Relieving Wrist Band which you can wear discretely under your pinstripe suit. This biofeedback device gently massages and stimulates the pressure points on your inner left wrist. Similar to acupuncture, but without the sharp bits, the device transmits gentle electric signals to the wrist which then somehow convinces the brain that everything is just fine. The good news is, it does not require that you abstain from food or drink, and doesn’t interfere with medications, so you can still knock back the tequila shots and Xanax for extra efficacy.
Price tag: $79.95
If you’re the type who always fiddles with paperclips when you’re stressed, you might appreciate the sensual smoothness of UberOrbs. Smooth and fiddly, UberOrbs are two highly polished obelisk-shaped magnets that are compelled to attract and repel each other (just like most couples, over time). Pull one end of an UberOrb away from the other and they’ll feverishly attempt to rejoin, crashing into each other as they go. UberOrbs flip, pivot, stick, roll, and ping together, all the while keeping your mind off those impending deadlines.
Price tag: 2 UberOrbs for $48.38
I don’t know about you, but I sit on a crappy chair all day, ergo my back hurts. But perhaps no longer. The egg-shaped ball of Dr. Riters ErgoChair doesn’t compress discs in the spine, like a regular chair, but promotes correct posture, helps strengthen muscles in your abs and spine, and takes stress off your back and neck. Besides, it looks cool.
Price tag: $167.89
If the weight of the world is dragging you down at work, you might want to go weightless when you get home. The Anti-Gravity Recliner will give you a nice sensation of floating weightless, and you don’t have to pee in a bag or drink Tang. The NASA-inspired pivoting “Z” shape cradles your spine in a stress-free position, elevates your legs for improved circulation, and eases tense muscles.
Price tag: $79.95
Does your aching back cause your stress, or is it the other way around? Either way, Spine-Worx can sort you out. Not a bed of nails – but a bed of rails. As you lie on Spine-Worx, your spine is pressed firmly against the length of two padded and contoured rails, injection-molded to fit the natural shape of your mid and lower back. Designed by a chiropractor, Spine-Worx uses your own body weight to apply controlled pressure to your vertebrae. Your misaligned “verts” are gently guided into their correct positions and held there, while tense muscles relax and stretch.
Price tag: $34.95
Natural Light and Sound System
Maybe it’s not just your back or your muscles – maybe it’s your whole environment that’s stressing you out. So redesign it, with the
Natural Light and Sound System. This compact gadget plays a choice of eight different sounds (ocean, stream, heartbeat, songbird, rainfall, summer night, thunderstorm, or waves) while the crystal ball projects a harmonizing light display of varying color and intensity. It runs on batteries and is small enough to put in a backpack and take to your Mongolian yurt if you really need to escape.
Price tag: $59.95