15 Outrageous Stress Relieving Gadgets That May Just Save Your Life

You read it right here on these pages folks: Stress can kill you. If you’re continuously stressed, it will eventually alter your hormones and cause your body to produce too much of the hormone cortisol, also known as the Death Hormone. Some doctors believe cortisol plays a significant role in messing up your immune system, reducing memory, making you fatter, increasing your wrinkles, and damaging your heart. It’s time to do something now!

But if the idea of changing your diet, exercise, and behavior are simply, well, too stressful, never fear. We’ve scoured the globe to find the 15 most outrageous stress-relieving gadgets that just may save your life.

Spit-Powered Stress Detector

How do you know if you’re stressed, to begin with? If the chain-smoking, acid-reflux, and constipation don’t give it away, perhaps you need the Spit-Powered Stress Detector. Yet another amazing breakthrough in Japanese technology, the “Nipro Cocoro Meter” measures the amount of amylase (a stress enzyme) in your saliva. Simply slobber on the tester and shove it into the device (like a pregnancy test, only further north). After a minute or two, the meter will display a numerical level, along with a cute stick figure if you’re too wound up to read numbers.

The Cocoro Meter sells for 19,800 yen (the US $164) and weighs only a quarter of a pound.

Wave Pocket Stress Reliever

If the thought of spitting stresses you out, you might consider the emWave Pocket Stress Reliever for your diagnosis. Simply place your thumb on the sensor, and the 2-ounce device displays your level of “coherence” – in other words, how efficient and “in sync” your body systems are – by measuring the subtle changes in your heart rhythms. The “Quick Coherence Technique” teaches you how to improve your coherence by breathing deeply and thinking positively. Oh my gosh! What a breakthrough! Why I would not have thought of that.

Price tag: $200.00

Stress Relieving

Stress Chest Boobs

Of course, this is something else I never would have thought of. Because I’m a chick. But what couldn’t be more relaxing after a hard day’s work than giving a pair of Stress Chest Boobs a good old squeeze? They only come in one size, but heck, anything more than a handful is a waste, right? (Or was that mouthful?)

Price tag: $10.00

Husband Choker

And ladies if you’re stressed out from watching your lazy husband sit around all day squeezing those dang chest boobs, you might want to buy yourself the Husband Choker. Press the button and the husband will make a typical man comment. “About time you got home. I’m starving!” or “I’m going out to play 26 holes of golf!” Squeeze his neck with all your might, and after his eyes bulge, his cheeks redden and his tongue sticks out, he’ll adjust his comment to something you’d rather hear such as, “I mean, you go shopping… here’s my wallet. Have fun darling!”

Price tag: $28.00

Desktop Stress Rocket

I generally would rather NOT hear annoying comments from that new guy who started in sales, but pounding on the desk never seems dramatic enough. The Desktop Stress Rocket may be just the ticket for instant relief. Simply bang on the launch pad of the desktop rocket and watch it soar high over the wall of your cubicle. With any luck, it will poke out the eye of someone who’s driving you nuts.

Price tag: $12.50

Rapid Antigen Test Kits

These are small COVID testing kits, that can test COVID in a few minutes rapid antigen test kits are very handy and you can use them at home.

Rapid Antigen Test Kits

Motorized Head Wizard

If you suffer from tension headaches, you deserve a visit from the Motorized Head Wizard. Now you don’t have to wait for trips to the hairstylist’s shampoo girl to get a decent scalp massage. The Head Wizard is always at your command (and doesn’t require a tip). The 100% copper wire legs of the Head Wizard gently vibrate and massage 14 acupressure points on your scalp to produce tingly euphoria. And if all that weren’t enough, the Wizard’s jaunty cap lights up!

Price tag: $15.89

The Boyfriend Pillow

After a rough day, who couldn’t use a big hug from their sweetie? No boyfriend at the moment? No problem. The Boyfriend Pillow has a cuddly arm and cozy shoulder to cry on. Plus this one even has a motion device that makes the pillow “soothingly vibrate.” Hmm! Are you supposed to hug it or…?

Price tag: $8.97

Condom Stress Relievers

If you don’t have a boyfriend, and you don’t have much money either, you can make your own stress reliever with a condom. All you have to do is fill any (unused!) condom with ordinary all-purpose flour. Unroll the condom, and using a small spoon, fill it with flour. Shake or twirl the condom to get the flour to settle so you can fill it fully. When it’s nice and firm, tie off the open end (like a balloon) and you’ll have a fun squeezy novelty. Here’s the instructional video if you don’t believe me.

MindaSpa

But perhaps you’re looking for something a bit more high-tech. Can’t afford to take your body on vacation? Send your brain to the spa instead. Slip-on the glasses plug in the earpieces and the MindSpa delivers specifically tuned frequencies of light and sound to shift your mind into either a deeply relaxed state (alpha (although I always thought Hawaii was a deeply relaxed state)) or a state of cognitive stimulation and focus. The sound and light programs are supposed to improve sleep patterns, enhance creativity, and combat jetlag.

Price tag: $279.90

Stress Relieving Wrist Band

Of course, you’ll look a bit obvious wearing those crazy glasses. So if you need to keep your stress release on the down-low, you might consider the Stress Relieving Wrist Band which you can wear discretely under your pinstripe suit. This biofeedback device gently massages and stimulates the pressure points on your inner left wrist. Similar to acupuncture, but without the sharp bits, the device transmits gentle electric signals to the wrist which then somehow convinces the brain that everything is just fine. The good news is, it does not require that you abstain from food or drink, and doesn’t interfere with medications, so you can still knock back the tequila shots and Xanax for extra efficacy.

Price tag: $79.95

UberOrbs

If you’re the type who always fiddles with paperclips when you’re stressed, you might appreciate the sensual smoothness of UberOrbs. Smooth and fiddly, UberOrbs are two highly polished obelisk-shaped magnets that are compelled to attract and repel each other (just like most couples, over time). Pull one end of an UberOrb away from the other and they’ll feverishly attempt to rejoin, crashing into each other as they go. UberOrbs flip, pivot, stick, roll, and ping together, all the while keeping your mind off those impending deadlines.

Price tag: 2 UberOrbs for $48.38

ErgoChair

I don’t know about you, but I sit on a crappy chair all day, ergo my back hurts. But perhaps no longer. The egg-shaped ball of Dr. Riters ErgoChair doesn’t compress discs in the spine, like a regular chair, but promotes correct posture, helps strengthen muscles in your abs and spine, and takes stress off your back and neck. Besides, it looks cool.

Price tag: $167.89

Anti-Gravity Recliner

If the weight of the world is dragging you down at work, you might want to go weightless when you get home. The Anti-Gravity Recliner will give you a nice sensation of floating weightless, and you don’t have to pee in a bag or drink Tang. The NASA-inspired pivoting “Z” shape cradles your spine in a stress-free position, elevates your legs for improved circulation, and eases tense muscles.

Price tag: $79.95

Spine-Worx

Does your aching back cause your stress, or is it the other way around? Either way, Spine-Worx can sort you out. Not a bed of nails – but a bed of rails. As you lie on Spine-Worx, your spine is pressed firmly against the length of two padded and contoured rails, injection-molded to fit the natural shape of your mid and lower back. Designed by a chiropractor, Spine-Worx uses your own body weight to apply controlled pressure to your vertebrae. Your misaligned “verts” are gently guided into their correct positions and held there, while tense muscles relax and stretch.

Price tag: $34.95

Natural Light and Sound System

Maybe it’s not just your back or your muscles – maybe it’s your whole environment that’s stressing you out. So redesign it, with the
Natural Light and Sound System. This compact gadget plays a choice of eight different sounds (ocean, stream, heartbeat, songbird, rainfall, summer night, thunderstorm, or waves) while the crystal ball projects a harmonizing light display of varying color and intensity. It runs on batteries and is small enough to put in a backpack and take to your Mongolian yurt if you really need to escape.

Price tag: $59.95

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40% of Girls Between Ages 6 and 12 Unhappy With Their Appearance

You fixate on your “batwing” arms. You never leave the house without Spanx on, lest anyone catch so much as a sliver of belly bulge. And those elbows of yours? Soooooo fat – at least in your mind.

Hey, we all tend to obsess about our not-so-perfect bodies. Even, it seems, little girls.

According to a new poll from BBC TV’s Newsround, 40% of girls between the ages of 6 and 12 are unhappy with their appearance. One in four said they would like to be thinner, 15% want to be taller or change their facial features, and a quarter dislikes their hair.

In response, The Daily Mail surveyed a panel of young girls about their fixations with their figures. The girls’ comments reveal deep insecurities about their bodies.

“My problem is the top of my legs and my bottom, which sticks out,” says nine-year-old Harriet Buck. “I would like a smaller bottom because I find it difficult to fit into some jeans. Ideally, I would like my legs to be slimmer all over and then I could wear what I wanted. Instead, when I go shopping it’s hard to find jeans that look really nice, and I can’t wear very short skirts.”

Twelve-year-old Kathleen Bartha also expressed unhappiness with her body.

“Whenever I look in the mirror I feel really tearful,” Kathleen says. “My legs are too big to fit well into some trousers, and I feel my stomach isn’t flat enough. Mostly I think I would look a lot better if I were thinner all over. My friends and family tell me I am skinny, but I don’t believe them and I think mum only says it to make me feel better. If I try to diet and not eat so much, mum stops me. But then I read magazines and see the celebrities and wish that I was thin like they are.”

Maria Daly, also 12, sees plastic surgery as her best option.

“Although I like Kate Moss because she is slim, my main wish would be to have bigger boobs,” she says. “Mine isn’t big enough at the moment. If I get to 20 and my boobs are still small, I will have a boob job.”

Even 6-year-old Ilana Pecino spoke of altering her appearance, saying that she’d like to straighten her naturally curly hair “like my favorite singer, Shakira.” The tyke also admits to worrying that too much chocolate will make her fat.

But don’t pin all the blame on Barbie. The girls’ parents cite outside factors like skimpy children’s apparel, Bratz dolls, shows like “America’s Next Top Model,” and teen magazines as encouraging young girls to focus on their appearance.

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Famous Breasts in History

Natalie Portman Portrays Anne Boleyn

Natalie Portman Portrays Anne Boleyn

Although many would argue that we have lived in a patriarchal society since the age of cavepersons, there is no doubt that female breasts have played – and continue to play – a pivotal role in society. Why they’re just so versatile! Breasts are cultural and fashion icons, they’ve launched social movements, and have provided some of the most famous images in art. Here then, are 10 of the most famous pairs in history (in no particular order).

1. Anne Boleyn

Now starring in a new movie with Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansson, Anne Boleyn’s breasts were married to King Henry VIII for just three years. In 1536 her head was indelicately removed from her body because either a. she could not bear a male heir, b. she was unfaithful, c. she was unfaithful with her brother fergawdsakes, or d. all of the above. Nasty rumors of a sixth finger, a goiter on her neck, and various moles were circulated by courtiers opposed to the king’s marriage to Anne because physical imperfections were thought to reflect on one’s character or indicate that someone was “touched by the devil.” Later, the legend of the mole became one of a third breast. Although unusual, extra or “supernumerary” nipples are not really that rare, occurring in 1 out of 18 people. Most historians believe Henry VIII would not have been attracted to Anne if she did possess any physical deformities, including Nipple III (but maybe he was kinky that way)

.Sophia Loren & Jayne Mansfield

Sophia Loren & Jayne Mansfield

2. Jayne Mansfield

Although not a great actress of her time, Jayne Mansfield was superb at generating publicity for her enormous breasts. By the late 1950s, as her movie career began to dim, Mansfield carefully and repeatedly staged public boob slips that were always caught on camera (think of her as the Tara Reid of her time). The most famous incident occurred in April of 1957 during a dinner party honoring Sophia Loren and was immortalized in a photo published ‘round the world. Mansfield’s breasts were so much a part of her image that “Tonight Show” host Jack Paar once introduced her by saying, “Here they are, Jayne Mansfield.” During her PR boob blitz between September 1956 and May 1957, Mansfield appeared in about 2,500 newspaper photographs and had about 122,000 lines of newspaper copy written about her. One small bit of trivia you may already know: “Law and Order SVU” star Mariska Hargitay is Jayne Mansfield’s daughter.

Janet Jackson's Wardrobe Malfunction

Janet Jackson’s Wardrobe Malfunction

3. Janet Jackson

Miss-Jackson-if-you’re-nasty’s boob flash (and uncomfortable-looking nipple adornment) ignited a firestorm of controversy after it appeared live during Super Bowl XXXVIII on February 1, 2004. Along with Damita Joe’s “wardrobe malfunction,” the salacious nature of the entire halftime show led to a crackdown and widespread debate on perceived “indecency” in broadcasting. Ultimately, the Federal Communications Commission levied a record $550,000 fine to CBS, as well as increased the fines per indecency violation from $27,500 to $325,000. Despite denials from both Jackson and her partner-in-boobage, Justin Timberlake, that the flash was accidental, Jackson ended up taking the heat for what most people believed was deliberate tit-illation.

Jane Russell

Jane Russell

4. Jane Russell

In 1940, voluptuous actress Jane Russell was signed to a seven-year contract by millionaire Howard Hughes and made her film debut in “The Outlaw.” Although the film was completed in 1941, it faced a lengthy delay for release because of censorship issues surrounding the way her astonishing rack was portrayed. The film eventually passed and had a general release in 1946. During production, Hughes, with a background in aviation and engineering, designed and constructed a prototype underwire bra (the first of its kind) especially for Russell’s 38-D pair. However, according to Russell’s 1988 autobiography, she decided the bra fit poorly, and ended up wearing her own on the film set. Hughes apparently never knew the difference.

School of Fontainebleau

School of Fontainebleau

5. The Twisted Renaissance Nipple

In spite of severe Catholic censorship of nude paintings, a group of 16th-century artists, known as the School of Fontainebleau, produced many works of art at the behest of the French king Francis I. One of these paintings, now on display in the Louvre, is “Gabrielle d’Estrees and One of Her Sisters.” The models are thought to be Gabrielle d’Estrées (1571-99), the favorite of Henry IV (1553-1610), and (duh) one of her sisters: the Duchess de Villars or Madame de Balcony. The artist of the piece is unknown, as well as what the hell he was thinking when he painted the “oddly affectionate gesture” showing Gabrielle’s sister pinching her right nipple. And you thought “Girls Gone Wild” was a new phenomenon.

Carol Doda

Carol Doda

6. Carol Doda

Legions of men across the country probably cannot imagine their lives without topless strippers and lap dancers, and they all have Carol Doda to thank. On June 19, 1964, then 20-year-old Carol Doda became the first performer to dance topless at the Condor Club in the North Beach section of San Francisco. Within two months of starting her topless act, all other clubs on the same street began offering topless waitresses and dancers, and the rest of America soon followed suit. Doda’s “does” were one of the first pairs to be famously surgically enhanced, going from a size 34B before a series of 44 silicone injections increased her to a size 44D. Doda retired from stripping in the 1980s and now runs “Carol Doda’s Champagne and Lace Lingerie Boutique” in San Francisco. Of course, she does.

Dolly Parton

Dolly Parton

7. Dolly Parton 

The prolific singer/songwriter and prodigiously endowed Dolly Parton says her breasts are more famous than she is. The 62-year-old performer was recently quoted as saying, “My breasts have served me well – I don’t know if I’m supporting them or they’re supporting me. But of course, I’ve had them jacked up a bit. And they’re part of the persona.” Parton’s breasts are so deeply ingrained in popular culture that Dolly the cloned sheep was actually named for her, as it was cloned from part of a mammary gland. Parton has made ample jokes about her ample bosoms, once saying, “Yep they are mine! Bought and paid for!”

Topless Bathing Suit

Topless Bathing Suit

8. The Topless Bathing Suit 

Among the many things swinging in the Sixties were the breasts exposed by the “topless bathing suit” created by futurist designer Rudi Gernreich. Gernreich was born in Vienna in 1922 and fled to the U.S. in 1938. In 1948 he began working as a fashion designer and by 1960 had earned the prestigious Coty Award for American designers. Gernreich had a flair for knitwear and futuristic designs (in fact he created the costumes for the television show “Space:1999”), but he is best known for designing the topless bathing suit. Rather like trunks with suspenders, the suit had a high waistband and straps which left the breasts exposed. It was introduced in 1964 and was met with a mixture of shock and awe worldwide.

Venus de Milo

Venus de Milo

9. Venus de Milo

Possibly the most famous topless amputee (ooh, is that tasteless?), the Aphrodite of Milos – Miss Venus de Milo, if you’re nasty – is perhaps the most famous work of ancient Greek sculpture. The statue was originally carved from at least six to seven blocks of Parian marble – one each for the torso, legs, each arm, left foot, and one for the original plinth on which it stood – which explains why it was so easy for the arms to break off. Also missing is the garish coat of paint and accenting jewelry that would have adorned the statue, as was customary at the time. Perhaps a classic string of pearls? FABulous.

Cleopatra

Cleopatra

10. Cleopatra

And speaking of fabulous, was there ever a more a queen more fabulous than Cleopatra? (Okay, beside Elton John). Lover of both Julius Caesar AND Mark Antony, she was the last pharaoh of Ancient Egypt. Although we think of Cleopatra as Egyptian, her primary language was Greek, as Alexander the Great had established a Greek-speaking aristocracy in Egypt some 300 years before. Tragically, Cleopatra’s breasts are famous primarily because of her death. After Antony and Cleopatra were defeated by Octavian, their Roman rival (who ushered in the Roman Era in the eastern Mediterranean), she committed suicide supposedly by clasping a poisonous asp to her breast.

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The Weirdest Things People Stick Inside Their Bodies

Razor blades, ping-pong balls, cigarettes – certain ladies in Thailand are adept at flamboyant performances with various objects and their private parts. But of course, they are PROFESSIONALS, people. Off the stage, rookies all over the world manage to get a variety of things stuck up, on, or in their yin-yangs. Here are some of the most amazing. Oh, and don’t try this at home.

Daniel Blackner Hearts Vacuum Cleaners

Daniel Blackner Hearts Vacuum Cleaners

That really sucks.

Proving that truth is sometimes stranger than fiction, last summer a dwarf who was performing at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival had to be rushed to the hospital after he glued his penis to a vacuum cleaner. Daniel Blackner, who was performing in the Circus of Horrors as Captain Dan, the Demon Dwarf, said the incident happened while he was preparing for the show.

According to the account in the UK’s Daily Mail, 42-year-old Blackner’s “act” in the show included pulling a tank-style vacuum cleaner around the stage with the hose attached to…uh…his hose. Unfortunately, the special attachment connecting his member to the appliance came loose before the show. In a rush, Blackner decided to fix the broken attachment with extra-strong glue but left it to dry for only 20 seconds, instead of the recommended 20 minutes. The quick repair held – but unfortunately, it also glued his penis in place as well. Blackner was taken to the accident and emergency department of Edinburgh Royal Infirmary, where he said nurses struggled for an hour to free him.

“It was the most embarrassing moment of my life when I got wheeled into a packed (emergency room) with a vacuum attached to me, “Blackner said. “I just wished the ground could swallow me up. Luckily, they saw me quickly so the embarrassment was short-lived.” (No pun intended.)

Well yes, except for the photographic evidence that you make a living doing this. In a kilt.The Case of the Deer Tongue

The Case of the Deer Tongue

Oh deer!

According to a 1990 article from “The American Journal of Forensic Medicine and Pathology,” a 29-year-old woman visited a clinic to have a deer tongue removed from her vagina.

The woman was “complaining of missed periods and seeking termination of a possible pregnancy,” but when she was examined, the physician found and removed a “cylindrical mass of pale-gray tissue.” After questioning the woman for “further historical information” she finally confirmed the object was indeed a deer tongue used for masturbation. There were no details in the article about how she obtained the tongue, and how long it had been up there.

According to the Journal, large objects retrieved from the “vag” are found mostly in married women aged 17-30 and come from the produce department rather than meat (or wildlife); fortunately, the bananas, cucumbers, and other large vegetables in question rarely required surgical attention. Bottom’s up!
Flashlights and broomsticks

If it fits, someone will have tried to stick it where the sun rarely shines. In 1986, Surgery magazine published a list compiled by Drs. David Busch and James Starling of Madison, Wisconsin containing a tabulation of 182 previously reported cases of “rectal foreign bodies.” The largest category was not for sexual devices, but instead glass or ceramic products. Though the single most common item recovered was a bottle or jar, there were also 10 sticks or broom handles, 3 flashlights, 2 baseballs, 2 apples, 2 pens, 2 mortar pestles, a curling iron, a baby powder can, 1 plantain (with a condom – safety first!), and 7 light bulbs.

cokebottle.jpg

Have a crack and a smile

The Medical Journal of Australia reported that a man showed up at a provincial hospital with a “foreign body in his rectum that would not pass, which he said was a ‘bottle top’.” Arrangements were made for the resident surgeon to get it out by sigmoidoscopy under general anesthesia. When the surgeon proceeded to try to remove the “bottle top” he realized what he was looking at was the bottom of a glass bottle approximately 5 cm wide. He first tried to remove it with his fingers, while providing gentle pressure to the abdomen, with no success. Plan B was to actually push the bottle up further into the colon, and then surgically open the abdomen to retrieve it. But the anesthesiologist, who was also trained in obstetrics, cleverly suggested using a venthouse cup (vacuum extractor) to essentially suck the bottle out. It worked, and the patient was discharged the following day.

Calcified Stone

Calcified Stone

So THAT’S where I put that!

In the UK, a 63-year-old woman complaining of hip pain had an X-ray that revealed she had a 9 x 5 cm calcified stone in her vagina that had grown around an IUD (intrauterine device). According to the Journal of the Royal Society of Medicine, the IUD had been inserted about 23 years previously after a miscarriage and had been apparently forgotten. In addition, the woman had previously suffered from encephalitis – and although she had recovered from a vegetative state, she was periodically verbally abusive and unwilling to submit to routine physical examination. The stone was eventually removed vaginally after an episiotomy and partial morcellation (chopping it up). Doctors believe the combination of the displaced IUD, personal neglect, and lack of regular pelvic examination permitted the development of the stone in this case.

Razor in the Throat

Razor in the Throat

Really tough to swallow

The curiosity of children causes them to get into all kinds of mischief, including swallowing things like buttons, peanuts, and pennies. Amazingly, one 7-year-old in India managed to survive after swallowing a razor blade. The Internet Journal of Head and Neck Surgery reported last year that the child was taken to the hospital after complaining of pain in the throat. His parents said he had been fiddling with the blade in his mouth and they noticed that he had swallowed the blade accidentally. (Just curious – exactly why were the parents allowing him to fiddle with a razor blade in his MOUTH in the first place? Maybe they thought it was safer there than in his eyeballs?)

An X-ray revealed the razor blade’s location and under general anesthesia, the blade was removed with the aid of forceps and an esophagoscope without incident. And then the kid went home to a nice dinner of broken glass and rusty nails.

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When Celebrity Plastic Surgery Backfires: 10 Nip/Tucked Celebs Who Now Look Like Aliens

If you’re going to make it in Hollywood, a little nip/tuck here and there is par for the course. Just be sure your plastic surgeon knows what he or she is doing, because for every Ashlee Simpson success story there’s a badly botched Tara Reid lurking under some bandages. Good plastic surgery takes the years off “naturally”; bad plastic surgery can make the face look warped and stack the years back on (with a dose of ugly thrown in for good measure). Guess which ones these scary-looking celebs have had?

Bad Celebrity Plastic Surgery: Carrot Top Awful Plastic Surgery

Bad Celebrity Plastic Surgery: Carrot Top Awful Plastic Surgery

Celebrity Plastic Surgery: Carrot Top

It’s hard to imagine ever longing for the old Carrot Top, but the sight of the flame-haired comedian’s new bulked-up body and Spandex-tight face will do it. Though Carrot Top’s never exactly been a babe magnet (or particularly funny), his altered face is starting to make him look like Harriet the red-headed next-door neighbor from “Small Wonder.”

Dr. Anthony Youn of CelebrityCosmeticSurgery.blogspot.com speculates that Carrot Top has had a combination of Botox and a brow lift, in addition to laser treatments or chemical peels for his skin. Throw in some eye liner and a gym membership and you’ve got one scary-looking dude.

Bad Celebrity Plastic Surgery: Farrah Fawcett Awful Plastic Surgery

Bad Celebrity Plastic Surgery: Farrah Fawcett Awful Plastic Surgery

Celebrity Plastic Surgery: Farrah Fawcett

If at first, you don’t succeed, try, try again. That appears to be Farrah Fawcett’s motto, as the former “Charlie’s Angel” pin-up has reportedly undergone more plastic surgery in an effort to combat previous shoddy work.

“The original Charlie’s Angel appears to have had a substantial bout of cosmetic surgery to correct the damage caused by previous operations,” The Daily Mail reported last year.

Plastic surgeon Dr. Lucy Glancey agreed, telling the British newspaper that “Farrah looks to have had her upper and lower eyelids done and very definitely a mid to lower face-lift. She may well have had her neck tightened as well as Botox injected into the crow’s feet area. All of these procedures are topping up on work carried out in previous procedures.

“Two years ago it looked as if her injected fillers had gone wrong but today she looks a lot better because fillers fade naturally over time, allowing her to avoid having any corrective surgery.”

Previously, the actress’s cosmetic enhancements had given her an aged, very unnatural-looking appearance.

Bad Celebrity Plastic Surgery: Rose McGowan Awful Plastic Surgery

Bad Celebrity Plastic Surgery: Rose McGowan Awful Plastic Surgery

Celebrity Plastic Surgery: Rose McGowan

Actress Rose McGowan claims she had no choice but to get cosmetic surgery on her eyes after a severe cut. Unfortunately, it looks like the doc who performed the surgery mistook “eyes” for “the entire face,” because Rose now looks significantly different these days – and not for the better.

“Anyone who’s seen Rose McGowan lately know she’s had her face sliced, diced, julienned and then secured back to her skull rather tightly,” says A Socialite’s Life. “She looked like a burn victim in “Grindhouse.” She wasn’t playing one.”

Since the surgery, Rose has traded in her foxy, fresh-faced appeal for an ultra-tight, Michael Jackson-esque look that’s anything but youthful. Not surprisingly, it’s lost her some major roles, including the female lead in Speed Racer. Good thing she has a director fiancé to keep her employed!

Bad Celebrity Plastic Surgery: Jessica Lange Awful Plastic Surgery

Bad Celebrity Plastic Surgery: Jessica Lange Awful Plastic Surgery

Celebrity Plastic Surgery: Jessica Lange

Back in the day, Jessica Lange was the second coming (albeit a more sensual, earthier version) of Grace Kelly. Now the famous blonde could pass for a senior citizen, and it appears that her use of plastic surgery is to blame. (Okay, she is pushing 60, but try telling that to Jaclyn Smith.)

Here’s what plastic surgeon Dr. Anthony Youn has to say about Jessica’s tired and tight appearance: “It appears to me that she has had a pretty aggressive browlift, causing her eyebrows to be so high that she looks surprised and unnatural. She likely has Botox in her forehead as well. On the bright side with Jessica Lange, her neckline looks great and is likely the result of a well-done facelift.”

By resorting to plastic surgery Jessica’s face has lost that gorgeous softness that made you believe Dustin Hoffman would actually become a drag queen just to get close to her.

Bad Celebrity Plastic Surgery: Mary Tyler Moore Awful Plastic Surgery

Bad Celebrity Plastic Surgery: Mary Tyler Moore Awful Plastic Surgery

Celebrity Plastic Surgery: Mary Tyler Moore

There’s something about Mary…like the way her ear-to-ear smile makes her a shoo-in to play the Joker should Heath Ledger bow out of the next Batman film, or the fact that her ultra-tight face could double as a trampoline. And when did she become Asian?

Needless to say, Mary’s made the rounds on AwfulPlasticSurgery.com, which says, “There’s a vast difference between her late ’70s and her late ’90s/early ’00s face. Had she left everything alone and just aged naturally, she would have looked nice, kind of like Mary Tyler Moore’s mother. Alas, trying to stop time, she had a facelift which destroyed the delicate plains of her face. Strangest of all, she had a nose job.”

Rather than making her look younger, Mary’s surgery exaggerates her aged appearance. It’s not youthful – it’s just scary. And considering that the woman is married to a surgeon, you’d expect better work.

Bad Celebrity Plastic Surgery: Tom Jones Awful Plastic Surgery

Bad Celebrity Plastic Surgery: Tom Jones Awful Plastic Surgery

Celebrity Plastic Surgery: Tom Jones

Tom Jones’ warped face is proof that plastic surgery can definitely bite the hand that feeds it. After overdosing on a few nips and tucks over the years, the Welsh crooner says a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon told him to avoid getting any more work done lest his face collapsed. So Tom has been laying off – but the combination of pruny eyes and a history of surgery hasn’t done him any favors.

“He has very prominent dynamic lines caused from where the muscles in the face contract and tighten, as well as very pronounced laughter lines,” plastic surgeon Alex Karidis told The Daily Mail. “But no amount of surgery could eradicate these lines and at his age, the last thing I would recommend is more surgery. A spot of Botox is the only thing that might help reduce the wrinkling.” Can we stop throwing our panties at him now?

Bad Celebrity Plastic Surgery: Donatella Versace Awful Plastic Surgery

Bad Celebrity Plastic Surgery: Donatella Versace Awful Plastic Surgery

Celebrity Plastic Surgery: Donatella Versace

Holy Gianni! Donatella Versace clearly has never met a cosmetic procedure she didn’t love. And if you think her Muppet-gone-pruny face looks bad, you should see photos of her severely misshapen fake breasts (or better yet, don’t, and keep your lunch down).

As with a lot of extreme plastic surgery makeovers (cough – Joan Rivers), Donatella’s face is so distorted that she almost doesn’t look human. She could be 30, or 300 (she’s actually 52). And as wrinkles and other signs of aging naturally occur, her appearance becomes more and more like melted plastic.

Plastic surgeons speculate that Donatella has had a nose job, Botox, and collagen lip injections (um, duh).

Bad Celebrity Plastic Surgery: Tawny Kitaen Awful Plastic Surgery

Bad Celebrity Plastic Surgery: Tawny Kitaen Awful Plastic Surgery

Celebrity Plastic Surgery: Tawny Kitaen

Nobody writhes on the hood of a car better than actress Tawny Kitaen, forever immortalized in Whitesnake’s music videos. Girls wanted to be her, and guys wanted to have her.

Now? Not so much.

The feisty redhead has apparently gone under the knife and the results aren’t pretty. Her newly frozen face makes her look generic and lacks the sexy exotic appeal she used to have. Now the video vixen looks like your average 40-something Beverly Hills mom.

Dr. Anthony Youn of CelebrityCosmeticSurgery.Blogspot speculates that the 46-year-old Tawny has had a brow lift with Botox, upper and lower eyelid lifts, cheek implants, and lip augmentation. Heck, she doesn’t even have red hair anymore!

Bad Celebrity Plastic Surgery: Bruce Jenner Awful Plastic Surgery

Bad Celebrity Plastic Surgery: Bruce Jenner Awful Plastic Surgery

Celebrity Plastic Surgery: Bruce Jenner

Bruce Jenner is an excellent example of a retired athlete having too much time (and money) on his hands. The former Olympian – father of “The Hills” regular Brody Jenner – appears to have melted down his gold medals and used them to buy some seriously shoddy surgery. Either that, or he’s been taking estrogen shots because the dude is starting to look like a lady.

According to AwfulPlasticSurgery.com, Bruce has had multiple facelifts, a nose, and chin and cheek implants. What he really should be cutting is that hair! Eesh.

Bad Celebrity Plastic Surgery: Melanie Griffith Awful Plastic Surgery

Bad Celebrity Plastic Surgery: Melanie Griffith Awful Plastic Surgery

Celebrity Plastic Surgery: Melanie Griffith

You know you have a plastic surgery problem when your own husband is begging you to stop going under the knife.

“I said to her, ‘I want to see you growing old and I will grow old with you too, and I don’t care,” Antonio Banderas says of his surgically altered wife, Melanie Griffith. “I like her the way she is. Wrinkles are beautiful.”

After multiple eye jobs and collagen lip implants, Melanie looks completely different from her younger self. It’s also clear that the procedures are taking their toll, as her face is an unsightly blend of new wrinkles struggles to peek out through her unnaturally taut skin.

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Jaclyn Smith: Still Sexy at 61!

Forget those crazy hairstyles on “Shear Genius”-the true work of art on that reality show is Jaclyn Smith’s face. It’s almost impossible to believe that our favorite “Charlie’s Angel”-and Kmart furniture and clothing Shiller-is now (gulp) 61. No, that’s not a typo. Smith doesn’t look a day over 45, which is remarkable considering that former pinup Farrah Fawcett, by comparison, looks like the crypt-keeper these days, and Kate Jackson’s face is so tight you could bounce a penny off it. So how does she do it? Is her youthful look just plain luck, good genetics, part of a pact with the devil, or did Bosley hook her up with an extremely skillful plastic surgeon? (And if so, can we get that surgeon’s number-like, now?) We investigate.

In a 2005 interview with Patricia Sheridan of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, the former Kelly Garrett was asked about her thoughts on aging and cosmetic surgery. Said Smith, “Well, I’m never going to say never. I don’t like when you are just so pulled. That’s obsessive, and I think anytime you are desperate and obsessive it’s not attractive. …I am not against plastic surgery; I’m a little frightened of surgery in itself.”

That’s the quintessential diplomatic non-answer, so let’s see what the professionals have to say. On CelebrityCosmeticSurgery.blogspot.com, plastic surgeon Dr. Anthony Youn wrote, “I think that Jaclyn Smith (60 years old) looks fantastic. She looks like an older Katherine McPhee. Although I haven’t seen her (or a photo of her) in a few years, it appears that she’s had a facelift with fat grafting (my specialty-the 3-D Volumetric Facelift). That’s why I think her face looks the “softest” of the three. Her skin is tight, but not too tight (see Kate Jackson) and she doesn’t have the gauntness of Farrah. I’ve always said that good plastic surgery is so good that you can’t tell it’s been done. She doesn’t have any of the telltale signs of plastic surgery that I could see last night, except that her age gives her away. In my opinion, that’s good work.”

Even the folks down under want to know Smith’s secret. Australian Vogue asked noted Australian plastic surgeons to weigh in. According to Dr. Warwick Nettle, “She [Smith] has retained the relatively soft skin of youth, whether through good genes or by treating her skin well both by avoiding excesses of sun and lifestyle and the judicious use of cosmetic medical and surgical services. Jaclyn Smith is an excellent example of the fact that a youthful look is brought about by the retention of and promotion of youthful contours, volume, proportion and padding of the skin rather than tightening of the skin. She looks as if she may have had well-performed upper and lower eyelid surgery. The softness of the creases around her nose and lips suggests augmentation with facial fillers like collagen. It’s highly likely that she achieves her relatively wrinkle-free look around the eyes and between the eyebrows with the use of Botox. Her skin texture looks great and it is very likely that Smith may have had a series of light peels. She may have even had an extremely well-performed and gentle facelift, as evidenced by the use of the large earrings, the sit of the ears, and her neck and jawline, which is not normal even in the best of circumstances for a woman older than 45.”

Gossip site TMZ.com-notorious for their take-no-prisoners attitude about celebs-also couldn’t stop raving over Smith’s looks: She “proves, week after week, that not all actresses over 40 need morph into the reassembled Botox bride of Beverly Hills-einstein.”

After her appearance on the Emmy Awards-in which co-Angels Farrah and Kate looked like two ugly stepsisters next to her-word of Smith’s does-she-or-doesn’t-she youthful look set the world buzzing. An article in London’s “Daily Mail” newspaper had this to say: “Miss Smith insisted their secret to defying the ravages of time was simply ‘Clean living and a bit of sparkle on the cheekbones.'” The article also asked Alex Karidis of St. John and St. Elizabeth Hospital in North London for his expert opinion.

“Smith is really looking very good,” Karidis said. “She always had the benefit of high cheekbones which bodes very well for her. It’s like a coat hanger in a coat – it holds up everything. If you have a good bone structure underneath then the skin and bone sit nicely and your age better. That has helped her out quite a bit. I would say she has had a little bit of work done to that jawline to keep it that way. She has had a bit of Botox around the laughter lines. All of the girls have had injectable fillers to get rid of the natural nose to mouth line…and perhaps Botox on their foreheads. …In all three of them, the jawline is looking very sharp indeed. At their age, I would think they would probably have had some work done to get that appearance. I would suspect that is the case you can’t get that look without having surgery.

Looks like “clean living and a bit of sparkle on the cheekbones” might be a code word for “a top-secret visit to the world’s best cosmetic surgeon.”(Otherwise, that woman totally hit the Mother Nature jackpot.) Still, you can’t fault Jaclyn Smith for getting a little touch-up here and there, and perhaps having her brunette hair under the attentive care of a colorist to keep the grays at bay. She looks amazing for her age-seriously, most 50-year-olds don’t look that good-and it beats being mistaken for a granny. And in today’s Hollywood, where most “women of age” obsessively go under the knife to achieve scary, fake, and plastic faces, the light, graceful touch behind Smith’s work is downright refreshing.

But if this woman can still rock a bikini as she did in the ’70s, you have my permission to hate her guts.

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The Worst Trout Pout in Hollywood

Step aside, Lisa Rinna. It’s time to hand over your “Freakishly Massive Lips” trophy to someone new…actress Saffron Burrows, of “Boston Legal” and “The Bank Job” fame.

As photos from The Daily Mail show, the 35-year-old British actress showed up to the premiere of “The Bank Job” – co-starring Jason Statham – with gargantuan lips that appear to have been stung by a swarm of bees. To make matters worse, her cheekbones are so sunken and abnormal-looking (because of weight loss? cheekbone implants?) that the newspaper quipped that Burrows “seems to have gone for the Joker look.”

No kidding.

Click over to see before and after photos of Saffron Burrows, which should make it clear that this is more than a matter of simply overdosing on some DuWop Lip Venom.

Saffron Burrows Before and After

Saffron Burrows Before and After

The photo on the left dates back to 2005 when Burrows was clearly collagen-free. The photo on the right is from 2008.

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Top 10 Medical Reasons Why Santa Should Be Dead Already

Sure old Saint Nick is jolly, but honestly, with his lifestyle, the old guy should be six feet under by now. Just look at him! He’s a walking advertisement for almost every health crisis in the news – plus a few you might not even know about.

10. Probably an alcoholic. He’s got rosy cheeks and nose, right? Santa must be slamming back something in that sleigh. Alcohol use and abuse affect many organs in the body, and on the skin, it causes dilation of surface capillaries (tiny blood vessels), resulting in facial flushing and a pinkish-red hue to the cheeks. With chronic alcohol abuse of alcohol, the flushing never goes away. Think about it. Ever seen a picture of Santa without rosy cheeks? I thought so! But Santa may soon have a new drug to treat his drinking problem. A drug used to treat epileptic seizures seems to hold promise as a treatment for alcoholism.

A new study recently published in the Journal of the American Medical Association showed that the drug topiramate proved to be measurably better than a placebo at helping alcoholics stay away from heavy drinking. In the study of 371 alcoholics over 14 weeks, the percentage of heavy-drinking days per week dropped from 81.9 percent to 43.8 percent among those who took topiramate, but from 82 percent to only 51.8 percent among those who took a placebo. The drug isn’t cheap, and of course, there are side effects, but it doesn’t require you to go to rehab. Handy for Santa AND Lindsay. And Britney. And Mel. And God bless them, everyone.

9. Black lung disease. Think of how much coal dust Santa has inhaled over the years. Forget about all the lumps he has to pack up and deliver to naughty kids. It can’t be healthy to inhale all the junk inside chimneys. The inhalation and accumulation of coal dust into the lungs increases the risk of developing emphysema and chronic bronchitis. Coal dust can also increase the risk of developing the chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD). Today it’s estimated that 1,500 former miners die of the black lung each year in the U.S. There’s no cure for it, and the only way to prevent black lung disease is to stop inhaling coal dust. Santa should think about wearing a face mask during his chimney time.

8) He’s STILL smoking that pipe. Let’s just assume all he puts in there is tobacco (of course that would explain why he’s so jolly…). A study by the American Cancer Society found that pipe smokers have higher death rates than nonsmokers, including higher death rates from lung cancer, colorectal cancer, and chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. The only good news is pipe smoking is a little bit better than cigarettes but about as bad as cigars.

7. He has to be diabetic. I know all the legions of little children mean well, but all those plates of cookies in every single household! Just think of Santa’s sugar numbers! And staying up all night doesn’t help either. A new Columbia University study published in the journal Sleep shows that too little sleep may increase the risk of Type 2 diabetes. Sleeping an average of five hours or less increased the odds for diabetes onset by about 50% and the findings are consistent with evidence suggesting that short sleep duration increases insulin resistance and decreases glucose tolerance.

6. Lyme Disease from Donner and Blitzen. Or maybe Dasher and Dancer. No doubt the reindeer are carriers of the sheep tick, castor bean tick, European castor bean tick, black-legged tick or deer tick – all known carriers of Lyme Disease. Untreated or persistent cases of Lyme Disease may progress to a chronic form most commonly characterized by meningoencephalitis, cardiac inflammation and arthritis. How long will Santa be able to slide down that chimney easily? Oh, and thanks big guy, for driving your tick-covered reindeer all around the globe.

7. Morbidly obese. What is Mrs. Claus feeding this guy during the off-season? Sure he’s cuddly, but that belly like a bowl full of jelly needs to go. All that weight he’s carting around increases his risk of high blood pressure, osteoarthritis, high total cholesterol, coronary heart disease, stroke, gallbladder disease, and some cancers. And poor Mrs. Claus – most likely chubby Santa suffers from sleep apnea and snores like a chainsaw. But there’s even more bad news: Santa could be suffering from prostrate cancer and not even know it.

6. A study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association says that obesity affects cancer screening and detection in obese men because the large volumes of plasma associated with being overweight dilute the circulation of prostate-specific antigen (PSA). If it’s not detected, it can’t be treated in time, because, according to researchers, “cancer is generally a progressive process, some of these undetected cancers will continue to grow and may present at a later point, when they are larger and more difficult to treat.” Santa, YOU better watch out.

5. Exposure to extreme cold and altitude. He can barely climb a roof – let alone Everest, but Santa is exposed to conditions that would make Tenzing Norgay shiver. Wind-chill on that sleigh exposes Santa to the dangers of hypothermia – a serious condition often accompanied by mental confusion where the sufferer doesn’t realize what is happening. Extreme hypothermia can lead to death in just a few hours. Somehow Santa manages to avoid Acute Mountain Sickness (AMS) as well when he’s zipping around in the air. The most common symptoms of AMS include headache, nausea, dizziness, loss of appetite, vomiting, and insomnia. If the symptoms are ignored, life-threatening conditions such as High Altitude Cerebral and/or Pulmonary Edema can result.

4. Hordes of snotty-nosed kids in shopping malls. How many kids can Santa see each hour? Now multiply that by how many shopping malls across the globe? You just know a pretty high percentage of those little rug rats have drippy noses and slimy little fingers covered in cold and flu virus. And he hugs every single one.

3. According to internist Dr Kathleen Blair from the Great Falls Clinic in Montana, those little kids are probably contagious as long as they’re sniffling and sneezing. In fact, children with the flu are contagious for the first seven days they have symptoms. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), in the US up to 20% of the population will get the flu this season and about 36,000 will die. Let’s hope Santa isn’t one of them.

2. Sedentary 364 days of the year. When he’s active, he’s really active. But the fact is, Santa spends most of the year sitting in a big overstuffed Barcalounger. Either that or he’s riding a parade float, or sitting on his chair in the shopping mall. Not exactly regular exercise. But Santa isn’t alone. From 1950 to 2000, the number of Americans employed in low-activity occupations grew by 42.2 million. Studies show that for every two hours spent sitting at work, those workers increase their obesity risk by as much as 7 percent. Even changes as little as spending two minutes each hour sending e-mails to colleagues rather than two minutes walking to their offices can translate into more than a pound gained each year.
What happens when Santa Crashes his sleighWhat happens when Santa Crashes his sleigh

1. Macular degeneration. What really causes the twinkle in Santa’s eyes? Maybe he’s squinting. Age-related Macular Degeneration (AMD) is the leading cause of irreversible blindness in Americans 65 years of age or older. In the worst cases, it causes a complete loss of central vision, making reading or driving impossible. Santa needs to start taking a vitamin with antioxidants and zinc to halt the progression of macular degeneration. Or pretty soon he won’t be able to make that list OR check it twice, much less drive the sleigh.

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Breasts: Ten Facts You May Not Know About Them

Breasts, breasts, breasts! The men in our culture seem obsessed with them. But so do women. From stuffing a first training bra to the worries of post-breastfeeding sagging, we give a lot of time and attention to breasts. And yet, how much do we know about them? Read on for the ten things you may never have heard about breasts.

Breasts grown from stomach fat

Breasts grew from stomach fat

1. In the near future, breasts may able to be grown from tummy fat

The folks at Cytori Therapeutics, Inc, claim that they have developed a way to inject fat from your stomach or derriere and into your chest and cause regenerative growth, particularly in mastectomy patients. It sounds like science fiction, but apparently, the procedure uses adipose-derived regenerative cells (think, fatty stem cells) that will actually continue to grow after implantation. So far, the procedure has not been approved in the US, but it’s on its way in Europe, and gosh, who wouldn’t want to take the undesirable tummy fat and turn it into a little boost in her cleavage?

Mammogram

Mammogram

2. Women over 50 are at the greatest risk factor for developing breast cancer

You may not want to think about it, but breast cancer is a real threat to women as we age. With the exception of skin cancer, breast cancer is the most common cancer contracted by middle-aged and older women. A recent study shows that three out of four women think that family history and inherited genetic mutations put them at the highest risk for breast cancer, but actually, age is the biggest determining factor. So no matter how much we hate it, regular mammograms are important as we get older.

Pink Breast Cancer Ribbon

Pink Breast Cancer Ribbon

3. Breast cancer statistics are changing

In the 1980s, there were terrifying reports that breast cancer rates were increasing by 4% each year. The American Cancer Society now explains that the number was actually inflated during the 80s due to the fact that detection technology was rapidly improving. The truth is that during the same time period, the rate of large tumor discovery actually went down, suggesting more cases were being detected early. However, the rates do go up when women do not have children or delay childbearing (as more and more women do these days). Rates do seem to be increasing, however – at approximately 0.3% per year.

Silicone Implant

Silicone Implant

4. Silicone implants have been re-approved by the FDA

In November 2006 the FDA approved the use of silicone breast implants for anyone who wants them. Previously, most breast implants were made of saline-filled silicone pouches. If you wanted silicone implants, you had to be a post-mastectomy patient or you had to be part of a clinical study. Many doctors and patients agree that the silicone version feels more natural. The FDA originally banned silicone implants in 1992 after increasing evidence that they could cause autoimmune disease and even cancer. It turns out that the evidence is unclear. It’s now up to individual women and their docs to decide what they think about the potential hazards of silicone implants.

Sleeping Baby

Sleeping Baby

5. Breastfeeding can help you lose weight

This is definitely one area where Mother Nature was on our side. Not only does breastfeeding burn extra calories, but for what seems like the only time in a woman’s life, the weight is more likely to come off problem areas in the hips and lower body. And the baby’s suckling causes the mother’s uterus to shrink back to pre-pregnancy size and the stomach muscles to tighten, helping a new mother get her figure back. And there are many other benefits to breastfeeding for both mother and child – including the release of feel-good hormones for mom

Romance

Romance

6. Breasts swell during sex

Feeling a little shy by your lack of cleavage? Nervous that your man will be disappointed? Again, Mother Nature comes to the rescue. Breasts actually swell during sexual arousal, by up to 25%. That’s nice for those of us who need a little help in that department. Oddly enough, research also shows that the inner nose swells during sex, too. I don’t think that’s a noticeable turn-on for anyone, but it is a fun fact nevertheless.

.Anne Boleyn

Anne Boleyn

7. Anne Boleyn had three breasts…maybe

It is widely rumored that Anne Boleyn, one of Henry VIII’s many wives, had three breasts. While official biographers often scoff at this statistic, explaining that the third “nipple” was actually a large mole on her neck, it is possible to have three nipples. The official medical term is “supernumerary nipple,” and it may occur in as many as one in fifty individuals, including men. Usually, the extra nipple is small and unnoticeable (sometimes the patient is completely unaware of it), but if not, it can easily be removed. An extra breast is much rarer but can develop, as well. There have been some findings that indicate a supernumerary nipple may be related to certain diseases, but a recent study suggests that most of that evidence is coincidental.

iStock_000003506822Small.jpg

8. Men’s breasts do have milk ducts

Men’s breasts do have milk ducts, and their bodies produce oxytocin and prolactin, the hormones required for milk production. As of yet, there are no proven scientific examples of male breastfeeding, but there are reports of men who were able to produce milk through extensive stimulation of the breast and nipple. Yet this isn’t a viable option for feeding babies, especially as no one is certain if male breast milk would be of the same quality and composition as female milk.

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9. Man-boobs may be a medical condition

I think many of us mistakenly assume that men with breast-like pectorals are just a bit overweight. Not necessarily so. Obesity can contribute to the phenomenon, but there are many other factors that can contribute, including hormone imbalances, castration, medications, genetic disorders, liver disease, Klinefelter or Gilbert’s Syndrome, or even-possibly-marijuana use. The official term is gynecomastia, which comes from the Greek words meaning “woman” and “breast,” most nearly translating to “woman-like breasts.” While many think this condition is a joke, we should also remember that it can signal medical problems, not to mention serious psychological consequences. For more information on this condition, read Body-Philosophy’s article on gynecomastia and its treatment. You may also want to check out Body-Philosophy’s Best and Worst Celebrity Man Boobs.

iStock_000003794153Small.jpg

10. Average breast weight is less than you think

Most women guess their breasts weigh about five pounds each. In actuality, that number is closer to one pound. It’s difficult to accurately weigh the breast because it’s so incorporated into your body core, but if you want to try at home, the best way is to use a kitchen scale that can be placed at the exact height of your breast so that you don’t add any of your other body weight by bending too much. While there is no definitive answer on average breast weight, you will probably discover each breast weighs somewhere in the neighborhood of one pound.

So, what about all this attention to boobs? As Julia Roberts asks in Notting Hill, “Breasts — how can you be so interested in them? … I mean, they’re just breasts. Every second person in the world has got them…” And maybe she’s right. But since they seem to fascinate men and women alike, and play such an important role in woman’s health and image, they’re certainly worth knowing something about.

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Top 10 Celebrity Plastic Surgery Nightmares

Unrecognizable features, sagging skin, health scares, death… not everyone emerges from plastic surgery looking like the fresh-faced spawn of Brangelina. Several celebrities have gone under the knife and ended up with disastrous results that almost make Melanie Griffith’s misshapen lips look natural. Almost. Here’s our countdown to the worst star surgery snafus.

#10 Mickey Rourke

“9 ½ Weeks” is used to refer to this former heartthrob’s sex life. Now it refers to his post-op recovery time. In the actor’s defense, his side career as a boxer did leave him with a broken nose, compressed cheekbone, brain damage, and other injuries. Then again, he’d have to be brain-damaged to subject himself to the terrible, too-tight facelift that has ruined his rugged good looks, destroyed his sideburns, and left him looking more like a burn victim than a hunk who’d seduce you with the contents of his fridge.

Kenny Rogers: Before & AfterCelebrity Plastic Surgery Nightmare

Kenny Rogers: Before & AfterCelebrity Plastic Surgery Nightmare

#9 Kenny Rogers

The “Islands in the Stream” warbler sought plastic surgery after deciding that the wrinkles around his eyes made him look like “A Raisin in the Sun.” Unfortunately, the eye job left the bearded one with a not-so-flattering puckered look that not even Dolly Parton could love. Last April Rogers told People, “I went in and got my eyes done, and I’m not happy about it. They’re too tight around the eyelids for me. It drives me crazy. …But I know what I want to look like. If we can fix that, then I’ll be glad I did it [the surgery]. If we can’t fix it, I’ll regret it or get used to it.”

Vivica FoxCelebrity Plastic Surgery Nightmare

Vivica FoxCelebrity Plastic Surgery Nightmare

#8 Vivica A. Fox

The Kill Bill actress’s botched boob job is enough to make a girl never leave the house without a turtleneck. The beauty’s breast implants produced capsular contracture and a horrifying bubbling effect that caused it to look like an alien’s about to pop out a la the diner scene in Alien. Still, these flaws haven’t fazed Fox, who’s also rumored to have lips that taste suspiciously of collagen. In a recent interview with Upscale, the star had this to say: “I’m in the entertainment business and people like to see you look good. If there are steps I have to take to look good, I’m going to do it. I don’t hold it against anyone else, but if people want to hold it against me and create their own stories, so be it. If they were in my shoes and they had to do what they had to do to look good, then they would understand my journey. When I look in the mirror I still see Vivica and that’s all that matters to me. If I still look the same that I did 20 years ago then something must be working.” Riiiiight.

Tara ReidCelebrity Plastic Surgery Nightmare

Tara ReidCelebrity Plastic Surgery Nightmare

#7 Tara Reid

Talk about a double-whammy. In 2004 American Pie actress/professional vodka receptacle Tara Reid underwent a joint implant-lipo procedure that made her outsides look as bad as her liver. Two years later, Reid sought reconstructive surgery for her bumpy, too-big breasts and a contoured tummy that had more ripples and bulges than Mama Cass in a pair of leggings. “Right after the surgery, I had some bumps along the edges of my nipples, but the doctor said, ‘Don’t worry, it’s going to be better,’” Reid told Us Weekly. “But after six months of ‘it’s going to get better,’ it started to get worse and worse.” The reconstructive surgery turned things around. Now if we can just get her stomach pumped!

Kari WuhrerCelebrity Plastic Surgery Nightmare

Kari WuhrerCelebrity Plastic Surgery Nightmare

#6 Kari Wuhrer

Sexy actress Kari Wuhrer is perhaps better known for her hot bod than her contributions to the cinema—Eight Legged Freaks, anyone?—but faulty breast implants caused Wuhrer to have them removed in 2002. In a diary entry for Glamour detailing the experience, Wuhrer wrote, “My right breast—filled with one of my silicone breast implants—had encapsulated, meaning that the scar tissue underneath the implant has turned rock hard and, in my case, is now pushing my right breast twice as high as my left. …My right breast looks puffy and swollen, and the nipple is pointing downward. I look deformed.” Wuhrer has been acting steadily since the surgery, including a turn as “Sexy Woman No. 2” in the 2003 film Death of a Dynasty. Not bad for an A cup.

Kathy GriffinCelebrity Plastic Surgery Nightmare

Kathy GriffinCelebrity Plastic Surgery Nightmare

#5 Kathy Griffin

You’d think that having near-fatal liposuction in 1999 would have convinced comedienne Kathy Griffin to lay off the plastic surgery, but then again, this is a woman who reconciled (albeit temporarily) with her husband even after she’d caught him stealing thousands of dollars from her.

Griffin shared her bad experience with People in a 2003 interview: “In 1999 I had lipo from my waist down—my stomach, thighs, and the inside of my knees. The idea was to look like Jennifer Aniston. It didn’t work out at all. When I woke up I was not able to pee. I got toxicity and had to go to the emergency room and wear a catheter for a week. It was life-threatening, and the results were nonexistent. In fact, I started running after that and got much better results.” Clearly not one to hold a grudge, the funny woman has since sampled Botox, a nose job, brow lift, and even more liposuction on her arms (though she says she won’t use surgeons who rely on general anesthesia). Hey, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?

Star JonesCelebrity Plastic Surgery Nightmare

Star JonesCelebrity Plastic Surgery Nightmare

#4 Star Jones

The mouthy/swag-loving former “The View” co-host has been pretty coy about admitting to having had a gastric bypass—somehow the story of her shedding all that weight by having lots of sex with her totally straight (cough) husband doesn’t seem all that plausible—but the surgery left her with more excess skin than she could squeeze into a Payless shoe. In 2006 Jones went back in for a breast lift and a tummy tuck to trim the hanging skin, but complications kept her in the hospital. To make matters worse, the new ta-tas were marred by an ugly and very noticeable scar…and then she got canned. Buck up, Star—something tells us Al’s not a boob man.

Pete BurnsCelebrity Plastic Surgery Nightmare

Pete BurnsCelebrity Plastic Surgery Nightmare

#3 Pete Burns

This lead singer of ’80s pop band Dead or Alive makes Boy George look like an amateur, thanks to multiple cosmetic surgeries—think cheek implants, collagen injections, nose jobs, and more. This fixation has come at a price, as Burns claims he’s spent much of his savings and over a year on countless reconstructive surgeries following disfiguring lip augmentation. Burns, who is currently suing the surgeon responsible, told The Evening Standard that the surgery made his top lip hang off. “I saw doctors in London who said the only option was to amputate my lips,” he said. “I was suicidal.” Forget a “Brand New Lover”—get that man (woman?) a brand new doctor.

Irena MedavoyCelebrity Plastic Surgery Nightmare

Irena MedavoyCelebrity Plastic Surgery Nightmare

#2 Irena Medavoy

A little Botox here and there led to big problems for this former model and actress and current blogger for The Huffington Post. In an interview with Paula Zahn in 2003, Medavoy claimed that she suffered four-month-long tension headaches, severe weight loss, muscle weakness, and several other health issues after a Botox treatment for migraines in 2002.

According to Medavoy, “I was shot in 86 units, which, as you know, there are only 20 units that are approved for FDA cosmetic use. I didn’t have any informed consent regarding this being an experimental procedure. I wasn’t aware that it wasn’t approved for migraine use. And I was making out my will a couple of weeks later. I thought I wasn’t going to make it. …I had such muscle weakness, I couldn’t hold my head up. It was like a bowling ball on a pin. I had problems breathing…I wound up in the emergency room. …I went to see my neurologist. He said, ‘This is from Botox.’ We have to watch you. You’re having a severe reaction.”

Medavoy’s lawsuit against her doctor and Allergan, the manufacturer, was unsuccessful, but Medavoy has since used her experience to warn the public about the potential dangers of Botox. You know, besides not

Olivia GoldsmithCelebrity Plastic Surgery Nightmare

Olivia GoldsmithCelebrity Plastic Surgery Nightmare

#1 Olivia Goldsmith

Her hit novel “The First Wives Club” poked fun at the pressure to go under the knife that women face. Sadly, that didn’t stop writer Olivia Goldsmith from developing an obsession for looking younger, and in January 2004 she died from complications resulting from a facelift gone horribly wrong. The 54-year-old novelist, no stranger to a touch-up here and there, unexpectedly lapsed into a coma after having a bad reaction to general anesthesia during her procedure and was taken off life support eight days later.

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