Razor blades, ping-pong balls, cigarettes – certain ladies in Thailand are adept at flamboyant performances with various objects and their private parts. But of course, they are PROFESSIONALS, people. Off the stage, rookies all over the world manage to get a variety of things stuck up, on, or in their yin-yangs. Here are some of the most amazing. Oh, and don’t try this at home.

Daniel Blackner Hearts Vacuum Cleaners

That really sucks.

Proving that truth is sometimes stranger than fiction, last summer a dwarf who was performing at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival had to be rushed to the hospital after he glued his penis to a vacuum cleaner. Daniel Blackner, who was performing in the Circus of Horrors as Captain Dan, the Demon Dwarf, said the incident happened while he was preparing for the show.

According to the account in the UK’s Daily Mail, 42-year-old Blackner’s “act” in the show included pulling a tank-style vacuum cleaner around the stage with the hose attached to…uh…his hose. Unfortunately, the special attachment connecting his member to the appliance came loose before the show. In a rush, Blackner decided to fix the broken attachment with extra-strong glue but left it to dry for only 20 seconds, instead of the recommended 20 minutes. The quick repair held – but unfortunately, it also glued his penis in place as well. Blackner was taken to the accident and emergency department of Edinburgh Royal Infirmary, where he said nurses struggled for an hour to free him.

“It was the most embarrassing moment of my life when I got wheeled into a packed (emergency room) with a vacuum attached to me, “Blackner said. “I just wished the ground could swallow me up. Luckily, they saw me quickly so the embarrassment was short-lived.” (No pun intended.)

Well yes, except for the photographic evidence that you make a living doing this. In a kilt.

The Case of the Deer Tongue

Oh deer!

According to a 1990 article from “The American Journal of Forensic Medicine and Pathology,” a 29-year-old woman visited a clinic to have a deer tongue removed from her vagina.

The woman was “complaining of missed periods and seeking termination of a possible pregnancy,” but when she was examined, the physician found and removed a “cylindrical mass of pale-gray tissue.” After questioning the woman for “further historical information” she finally confirmed the object was indeed a deer tongue used for masturbation. There were no details in the article about how she obtained the tongue, and how long it had been up there.

According to the Journal, large objects retrieved from the “vag” are found mostly in married women aged 17-30 and come from the produce department rather than meat (or wildlife); fortunately, the bananas, cucumbers, and other large vegetables in question rarely required surgical attention. Bottom’s up!
Flashlights and broomsticks

If it fits, someone will have tried to stick it where the sun rarely shines. In 1986, Surgery magazine published a list compiled by Drs. David Busch and James Starling of Madison, Wisconsin containing a tabulation of 182 previously reported cases of “rectal foreign bodies.” The largest category was not for sexual devices, but instead glass or ceramic products. Though the single most common item recovered was a bottle or jar, there were also 10 sticks or broom handles, 3 flashlights, 2 baseballs, 2 apples, 2 pens, 2 mortar pestles, a curling iron, a baby powder can, 1 plantain (with a condom – safety first!), and 7 light bulbs.

Have a crack and a smile

The Medical Journal of Australia reported that a man showed up at a provincial hospital with a “foreign body in his rectum that would not pass, which he said was a ‘bottle top’.” Arrangements were made for the resident surgeon to get it out by sigmoidoscopy under general anesthesia. When the surgeon proceeded to try to remove the “bottle top” he realized what he was looking at was the bottom of a glass bottle approximately 5 cm wide. He first tried to remove it with his fingers, while providing gentle pressure to the abdomen, with no success. Plan B was to actually push the bottle up further into the colon, and then surgically open the abdomen to retrieve it. But the anesthesiologist, who was also trained in obstetrics, cleverly suggested using a venthouse cup (vacuum extractor) to essentially suck the bottle out. It worked, and the patient was discharged the following day.

Calcified Stone

So THAT’S where I put that!

In the UK, a 63-year-old woman complaining of hip pain had an X-ray that revealed she had a 9 x 5 cm calcified stone in her vagina that had grown around an IUD (intrauterine device). According to the Journal of the Royal Society of Medicine, the IUD had been inserted about 23 years previously after a miscarriage and had been apparently forgotten. In addition, the woman had previously suffered from encephalitis – and although she had recovered from a vegetative state, she was periodically verbally abusive and unwilling to submit to routine physical examination. The stone was eventually removed vaginally after an episiotomy and partial morcellation (chopping it up). Doctors believe the combination of the displaced IUD, personal neglect, and lack of regular pelvic examination permitted the development of the stone in this case.

Razor in the Throat

Really tough to swallow

The curiosity of children causes them to get into all kinds of mischief, including swallowing things like buttons, peanuts, and pennies. Amazingly, one 7-year-old in India managed to survive after swallowing a razor blade. The Internet Journal of Head and Neck Surgery reported last year that the child was taken to the hospital after complaining of pain in the throat. His parents said he had been fiddling with the blade in his mouth and they noticed that he had swallowed the blade accidentally. (Just curious – exactly why were the parents allowing him to fiddle with a razor blade in his MOUTH in the first place? Maybe they thought it was safer there than in his eyeballs?)

An X-ray revealed the razor blade’s location and under general anesthesia, the blade was removed with the aid of forceps and an esophagoscope without incident. And then the kid went home to a nice dinner of broken glass and rusty nails.

Breasts, breasts, breasts! The men in our culture seem obsessed with them. But so do women. From stuffing a first training bra to the worries of post-breastfeeding sagging, we give a lot of time and attention to breasts. And yet, how much do we know about them? Read on for the ten things you may never have heard about breasts.

Breasts grew from stomach fat

1. In the near future, breasts may able to be grown from tummy fat

The folks at Cytori Therapeutics, Inc, claim that they have developed a way to inject fat from your stomach or derriere and into your chest and cause regenerative growth, particularly in mastectomy patients. It sounds like science fiction, but apparently, the procedure uses adipose-derived regenerative cells (think, fatty stem cells) that will actually continue to grow after implantation. So far, the procedure has not been approved in the US, but it’s on its way in Europe, and gosh, who wouldn’t want to take the undesirable tummy fat and turn it into a little boost in her cleavage?

Mammogram

2. Women over 50 are at the greatest risk factor for developing breast cancer

You may not want to think about it, but breast cancer is a real threat to women as we age. With the exception of skin cancer, breast cancer is the most common cancer contracted by middle-aged and older women. A recent study shows that three out of four women think that family history and inherited genetic mutations put them at the highest risk for breast cancer, but actually, age is the biggest determining factor. So no matter how much we hate it, regular mammograms are important as we get older.

Pink Breast Cancer Ribbon

3. Breast cancer statistics are changing

In the 1980s, there were terrifying reports that breast cancer rates were increasing by 4% each year. The American Cancer Society now explains that the number was actually inflated during the 80s due to the fact that detection technology was rapidly improving. The truth is that during the same time period, the rate of large tumor discovery actually went down, suggesting more cases were being detected early. However, the rates do go up when women do not have children or delay childbearing (as more and more women do these days). Rates do seem to be increasing, however – at approximately 0.3% per year.

Silicone Implant

4. Silicone implants have been re-approved by the FDA

In November 2006 the FDA approved the use of silicone breast implants for anyone who wants them. Previously, most breast implants were made of saline-filled silicone pouches. If you wanted silicone implants, you had to be a post-mastectomy patient or you had to be part of a clinical study. Many doctors and patients agree that the silicone version feels more natural. The FDA originally banned silicone implants in 1992 after increasing evidence that they could cause autoimmune disease and even cancer. It turns out that the evidence is unclear. It’s now up to individual women and their docs to decide what they think about the potential hazards of silicone implants.

Sleeping Baby

5. Breastfeeding can help you lose weight

This is definitely one area where Mother Nature was on our side. Not only does breastfeeding burn extra calories, but for what seems like the only time in a woman’s life, the weight is more likely to come off problem areas in the hips and lower body. And the baby’s suckling causes the mother’s uterus to shrink back to pre-pregnancy size and the stomach muscles to tighten, helping a new mother get her figure back. And there are many other benefits to breastfeeding for both mother and child – including the release of feel-good hormones for mom

Romance

6. Breasts swell during sex

Feeling a little shy by your lack of cleavage? Nervous that your man will be disappointed? Again, Mother Nature comes to the rescue. Breasts actually swell during sexual arousal, by up to 25%. That’s nice for those of us who need a little help in that department. Oddly enough, research also shows that the inner nose swells during sex, too. I don’t think that’s a noticeable turn-on for anyone, but it is a fun fact nevertheless.

.

Anne Boleyn

7. Anne Boleyn had three breasts…maybe

It is widely rumored that Anne Boleyn, one of Henry VIII’s many wives, had three breasts. While official biographers often scoff at this statistic, explaining that the third “nipple” was actually a large mole on her neck, it is possible to have three nipples. The official medical term is “supernumerary nipple,” and it may occur in as many as one in fifty individuals, including men. Usually, the extra nipple is small and unnoticeable (sometimes the patient is completely unaware of it), but if not, it can easily be removed. An extra breast is much rarer but can develop, as well. There have been some findings that indicate a supernumerary nipple may be related to certain diseases, but a recent study suggests that most of that evidence is coincidental.

8. Men’s breasts do have milk ducts

Men’s breasts do have milk ducts, and their bodies produce oxytocin and prolactin, the hormones required for milk production. As of yet, there are no proven scientific examples of male breastfeeding, but there are reports of men who were able to produce milk through extensive stimulation of the breast and nipple. Yet this isn’t a viable option for feeding babies, especially as no one is certain if male breast milk would be of the same quality and composition as female milk.

9. Man-boobs may be a medical condition

I think many of us mistakenly assume that men with breast-like pectorals are just a bit overweight. Not necessarily so. Obesity can contribute to the phenomenon, but there are many other factors that can contribute, including hormone imbalances, castration, medications, genetic disorders, liver disease, Klinefelter or Gilbert’s Syndrome, or even-possibly-marijuana use. The official term is gynecomastia, which comes from the Greek words meaning “woman” and “breast,” most nearly translating to “woman-like breasts.” While many think this condition is a joke, we should also remember that it can signal medical problems, not to mention serious psychological consequences. For more information on this condition, read Body-Philosophy’s article on gynecomastia and its treatment. You may also want to check out Body-Philosophy’s Best and Worst Celebrity Man Boobs.

10. Average breast weight is less than you think

Most women guess their breasts weigh about five pounds each. In actuality, that number is closer to one pound. It’s difficult to accurately weigh the breast because it’s so incorporated into your body core, but if you want to try at home, the best way is to use a kitchen scale that can be placed at the exact height of your breast so that you don’t add any of your other body weight by bending too much. While there is no definitive answer on average breast weight, you will probably discover each breast weighs somewhere in the neighborhood of one pound.

So, what about all this attention to boobs? As Julia Roberts asks in Notting Hill, “Breasts — how can you be so interested in them? … I mean, they’re just breasts. Every second person in the world has got them…” And maybe she’s right. But since they seem to fascinate men and women alike, and play such an important role in woman’s health and image, they’re certainly worth knowing something about.

It’s good to have ambition: becoming the first female president… learning to speak nine languages… or, you know, possessing the largest breasts on the planet. The following ladies apparently never met a bag of saline or silicone they didn’t want to take home, which is why they make Pamela Anderson look like Kate Hudson. We salute their commitment to being the best at the breast, but one question still lingers:

Lolo Ferrari World’s Largest Breasts 

Lolo Ferrari

Life seemed pretty good for French-born Lolo Ferrari. After multiple operations-the reported number ranges from 18 to 30-the former porn star was recognized by the Guinness Book of World Records (for a number of augmentations) and achieved cult status. But things went bust in 2000 when Ferrari was found dead under suspicious circumstances; was it suicide, murder, or-dun dun dun-those darn breasts? Ferrari’s husband, who suggested that she may have suffocated under the weight of her own breasts, was arrested and then released, and the cause of death still remains foggy. What is clear is that Ferrari’s ticket to fame turned against her in the end. Says London’s TheGuardian newspaper, “Her mammoth breasts, designed by an aircraft engineer, held three liters of surgical serum each. She had difficulty breathing, could not sleep on her stomach or back, and was afraid of flying because she thought they might explode.” Reports Wikipedia.com, “She had to wear a specially engineered brassiere size 54 J, and as a result of her many surgeries she suffered from a number of medical afflictions and lived with a heavy regimen of drugs.”

Maxi MoundsThe World’s Largest Breasts 

Maxi Mounds

If it weren’t for Maxi, the Guinness Book of World Records wouldn’t even have a category for “World’s Largest Augmented Breasts.” According to Wikipedia.com, this pioneering porn star fought for-and eventually won-the distinction for her 42M (that’s 32 inches under and 60.5 inches around) knockers. Still, Maxi hasn’t let the success go to her, ahem, head. On her website, MaxiMounds.com, she writes, “I know I won’t hold the record forever but I’m happy that I helped to create the category for me and the other girls to follow in the future.” Maxi-who lists her current measurements as 156MMM-26-36-also explains that she has “silly string” implants which continue to grow after implantation.

Norma StitzThe World’s Largest Breasts 

Norma Stitz

Any girl can get implants, but Norma Stitz’s (get it?) low-hanging breasts have been recognized by Guinness as the largest natural breasts in the world. Yep, folks, they’re real. According to Imdb.com-as you might’ve guessed, Norma’s appeared in some, er, films. At the time of her record (1999), Norma’s measurements were 70-48-52, with each breast weighing 28 pounds and a 48V bra size. Her breasts now reportedly weigh 35 pounds apiece and measure 72 1/2 inches. In other words, her breasts combined weigh almost as much as an Olsen twin. I just posted a new informative post about the type of laser eye surgery at http://body-philosophy.net/types-of-laser-eye-surgery-and-their-benefits/ which is equally informative as this post and worth reading.

Chelsea CharmsThe World’s Largest Breasts 

Chelsea Charms

Billing herself as “America’s Bust Sweetheart,” Chelsea Charms has endured three breast augmentations, including string implants, to achieve her hefty 153XXX-23-34 measurements. On her website, ChelseaCharms.com, the Twin Cities native (ha!) claims that each breast weighs 26 pounds, and, because of the string implant, they’re still growing. She also has to have her bras custom-made. When asked if her jumbo breasts get in the way, Chelsea answers, “Not so much, except when shaving my legs, painting my toe nails or maneuvering through tight spaces. However, I should note that during the first few months after having the third and final jumbo-boost, it did take a few adjustments with regards to eating and other daily tasks that I once took for granted (there’s nothing more annoying than having food disappear into your cleavage).”

Minka World’s Largest Breasts 

Minka

This Korea-born adult film star started out as a tennis player. Somehow we think her giant breasts might have hindered her serve. Instead, she’s won awards like AVN‘s “Big Bust Video of the Year” and Exotic Dancer Magazine’s “Best Big Bust Entertainer of the Year.” Take that, Wimbledon! On MinkaXXX.com, Minka claims to be “the largest-breasted Asian in the world, bar none!” Wikipedia.com cites her measurements (achieved through string implants) as 70HH-22-35, with a bra size of 44KK.

Sabrina SabrokThe World’s Largest Breasts 

Sabrina Sabrok

Watch out, girls! Sabrina Sabrok is a woman with a plan. The Argentinean-born Mexican television star stirred up controversy last year when she announced her plans to undergo a 14th breast enlargement in order tohave the largest breasts in the world. Sabrok, who lists her measurements as 52MMM-21-40 on SabrinaSabrok.com, was warned that to do so would endanger her health. Reports ImpactLab.com, “Sabrok…is already a size 42 triple G but wants to go on to be a 42 triple X, reports Las Ultimas Noticias. A spokesman for the Plastic Surgeons’ Association of Argentina warned the weight would be too much for her body. He said: “She is risking her health because there needs to be balance on the body and she will lose that if the breasts go too big.” Sabrina’s solution! According to AnythingHollywood.com, she plans to get butt implants to even herself out. Smart thinking.

Wendy WhoppersThe World’s Largest Breasts 

Wendy Whoppers

The name says it all. Ms. Whoppers started out as a 34B; four enlargements later, she was a 34H. In an interview with Behavior Magazine, the adult film star described her transformation. “With 3000 cc implants, my advertised measurements were 80 HHH; my actual bra size was 34H,” she said. “We have to add more numbers to the advertised measurement because men do not understand how bra measurements work. They are under the false impression that the number has something to do with the size; in fact, the number is only the inches around the rib cage under the breasts, so that never changes unless you gain weight. The cup size is the only measurement that tells breast size. So if I had advertised myself as a 34H, then guys would have thought that was small.” Perhaps-if they were blind… and didn’t have hands. Though Wikedia.com claims that she’s had her breasts reduced since retiring from films, WendyWhoppers.com lists her measurements as 80HHH-21-34.

Traci ToppsThe World’s Largest Breasts 

Traci Topps

Though Traci Topps retired a few years ago, she remains a popular big bust icon. Adult site Danni.com lists her measurements as 36HHH-24-36, and with film credits like Chloe’s Busty Conquests, The Best of Bosom Buddies, Big Boob Mamathon, and Big Bust Strippers 2, we believe it.

Crystal StormThe World’s Largest Breasts 

Crystal Storm

There’s no denying that adult entertainer Crystal Storm has a massive chest; even Wendy Whoppers recognizes her achievements to cleavage. The question is, just how big are those boobs? Wikipedia.com reports that Crystal got into some legal problems after listing her measurements as 121 XXX-24-36; turns out she was talking centimeters, not inches. For further clarification, Imdb.com says that the star of Big Busty 44, Big Busty 50, and The Greatest Big Bust Video Volume 2 boasts breasts that “weigh 18 and 20lbs., and her (unexaggerated) bust measurement is 50″.”

SaRenna LeeThe World’s Largest Breasts 

SaRenna Lee

In the world of adult entertainment, SaRenna Lee is best known for two things: a striking resemblance to Marilyn Monroe, and enormous breasts, courtesy of implants. MrBra.com lists SaRenna’s bra size as 44H after surgery; it was already a voluptuous 32D sans implant. We guess bigger is better though.

Fecal Transplant Anyone?

Would give your nearest and dearest some of your bone marrow at a time of need? A kidney perhaps? How about a pile of your poo? Doctors in Canada are finding the best remedy for a potentially deadly infection may be a fecal transplant. Yes, you read it correctly. FECAL transplant.

The Straight Poop On The Disease

The last place you’d expect to get sicker is in a hospital, right? But illnesses you catch during a stay in a long-term care facility or hospital are on the rise. One of the most widespread and potentially serious bacterial infections is Clostridium difficile known simply as C. difficile (or C. Diff). In fact, 253,000 hospitalized patients were affected by C. difficile-associated disease (CDAD) in 2005-more than double the number in 2000, according to the CDC.

Complications of the infection can include kidney failure as a result of severe dehydration, bowel perforation, or a ruptured colon – both of which spill bacteria into the abdominal cavity, or even death.

Crappy Treatment Options

Up until now, the most common treatment was antibiotics such as metronidazole or vancomycin, which get rid of the C. difficile but allow normal bacteria to flourish in the intestine. However, both antibiotics kill only the active form of C. difficile, not the tough spores it produces. Because these spores remain in the body, the infection can return – sometimes more than once. What’s more, it was probably a heavy dose of antibiotics that allowed C. Diff to flourish in the first place.

For doctors in Scandinavia, the first choice for treatment of C. Diff is “fecal bacteriotherapy” according to Dr Johan Bakken of St. Luke’s Infectious Disease Associates in Duluth, Minn. Dr. Bakken says the treatment restores colon health by reintroducing missing bacterial flora from stool collected by a healthy donor.

The poop is liquefied, mixed with saline, and then generally administered via enema. Normal bowel function is usually restored within 24 hours of treatment. Published studies show that more than 90 percent of patients are cured through fecal transplants – and many after just one treatment.

Finding Someone To Shoot The Sh*t

It’s difficult to find a physician in the US to perform fecal transplants, but more and more Canadian doctors are performing the procedures.

Toronto resident Wendy Sinukoff provided the poop for her sister, Marcia Munro, who had suffered from C. Diff for 14 months. The transplant was performed by Dr. Tom Louie, head of infection control at Foothills Hospital in Calgary.

“I had to collect stool samples for five days prior to our leaving Toronto, and I collected it in an ice cream container and kept it in the fridge,” said Minkoff. “My biggest fear was that my samples were not allowed to be frozen, so I had to take them as carry-on luggage in the airplane and I was terrified that I was going to be asked to have my luggage searched,” she said.

Sinukoff’s sister said the transplant was a success. “This procedure cured me… I know many people die from C. difficile and I want people to know there is hope when you have this illness.”

“Never underestimate the healing power of stool,” says Dr. Thomas Moore, a colleague of Dr. Bakken, who has personally performed at least 65 fecal enemas with a 97% success rate. “Sick elephants in the wild are fed stool from their mothers, so the treatment idea is nothing new.”

Indeed. Over the years, I’ve suggested to several ex-boyfriends that they ought to “eat sh*t.” I certainly felt better after saying it.